so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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