I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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