Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
