What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
