my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Someone shit on the floor
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We were destined to go to rehab together
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
