Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
4 words: hood of his car
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
