Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
pop tarts are not kleenex
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
