I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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