Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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