I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
