First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Also, beer. Big fan.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize