I want to stick my p in your. b.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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