2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
