i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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