Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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