oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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