Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
