we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
