Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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