Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
