I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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