i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
