I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
When are your genitals available?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize