I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think my moral compass just broke
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
