btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
