I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
