you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
