I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
