I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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