Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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