Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
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