I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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