I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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