I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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