Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
