You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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