We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i think im in europe. pls send help
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize