Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize