Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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