I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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