I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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