I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize