Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
