I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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