Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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