He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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