we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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