That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
