Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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