Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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