nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
