she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
