he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize