Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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