My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
