I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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