my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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