Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
