my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
