I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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