he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
