i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Randomize
