i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
