filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
