I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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